Every year, there's a list of top weather Twitter accounts that you're told to follow. This year, we're bringing you a list that you absolutely, under no circumstances, should follow. Got it? Don't follow these accounts.
Dan Lindsey (@DanLindsey77)
I'm a little biased on this because I seriously cannot stand GOES-16 imagery. Dan tweets a ton of so-called "high resolution" satellite pictures, gifs, and videos of random weather phenomena from across the globe. Why would anyone find one-minute imagery of the eye of a Category 5 hurricane interesting? Or want to watch video of volcanic ash and debris spewing into the atmosphere? Ranking Dan on the GOES scale, we give him a GOES-G (GOES-G failed to launch in a fiery explosion).
Ginger Zee (@Ginger_Zee)
Ginger Zee is only the Chief Meteorologist of all ABC national platforms and the #1 morning show in the United States, Good Morning America. She's watched by a mere few million people while covering weather on a national scale. She uses her platform to supposedly inspire the future generation of scientists which most likely means she wants them to take our jobs. She's always interacting with her millions of followers in a relatable way (seriously, get a life Ginger!). She also just wrote a book, "The Natural Disaster" (jeez, no one likes an overachiever). Our rating: -13 out of 10.
Capital Weather Gang (@CapitalWeatherGang) & Angela Fritz (@AngelaFritz)
Oh boy, do we hate this Gang. Angela, Jason, and the others over at the Capital Weather Gang write way-too-detailed weather articles for the failing Washington Post! There's no way I'm going to a newspaper to read their "high quality" weather content. Instead, I'd choose a blog or a 41 Tweet-long thread. Our digit: 0/10. Do not follow.
Zack Labe (@ZLabe)
We get it, Zack. The ice is melting. We assume Zack does actual research for his day job but on Twitter all he does is tweet ice and climate gifs. More like Zack LAME. Zack, if you're reading this, gifs aren't allowed in dissertations. If we were to rank Zack as a year of Arctic sea ice extent (the more ice, the better), we'd give him a 2100.
Becky DePodwin (@wx_becks)
When she's not tweeting about her box-crazed cat, pictures of moose, or the latest craft beer (hipster alert) Becky tweets abou... well... actually that's all Becky tweets about. If you want to see tweets about weather preparedness or emergency management, I'd venture elsewhere. Also, how many podcasts do you host? Becky's rating: -1.5 moose.
Gina Eosco (@WxComm)
Threads upon threads about clear communication and social science. Well, Gina, it's become CLEAR to us that we don't need SCIENCE to know not follow you on SOCIAL media. How's that for a consistent message? We're too nervous to give Gina a rating in fears it might confuse the public.
Ian Livingston (@islivingston), Mark Ellinwood (@markellinwood), & U.S. Tornadoes (@USTornadoes)
I mean seriously, who likes tornadoes? Ian, Mark, and the folks at U.S. Tornadoes have an obscure love for tubey things that descend from the sky (a love definitely not shared by anyone else in the weather community). I guess if you like things that spin quickly you can check out their blog but we're sticking to no spin zones. On a scale from land spout to wedge, they get a -/+ EF0 haynado.
Shawn Milrad (@shawnmilrad)
Shawn is the worst. If you're not already on Twitter, we suggest creating an account, following Shawn, and then promptly unfollowing Shawn. Save yourself from this Florida man's rants on weather, sports, and politics. Shawn doesn't deserve a rating.
Matt Lanza (@mattlanza)
We think Matt is from Houston? Not exactly sure, maybe he should tweet about Houston weather more often. Matt also tries to dabble in writing about broader topics in weather but misses the mark. He hasn't really been that busy considering it's been such a slow news year in Houston. So we're not exactly sure why his writing isn't up to par. Rating Matt on a scale from Carlos Correa to Jose Altuve, we'd give him an Orbit.
Irene Sans (@IreneSans)
From her supposedly "informative" weather videos to tweets she thinks are funny, Irene is just you're average meteorologist. Sure, she might speak multiple languages, have won an Emmy, and be certified by the American Meteorological Society but what's the big deal? (Okay fine, being bilingual is cool I guess) But what about her name? It's a sentence that was never completed. Irene Sans what? What are you without, Irene? On a scale from cool to really cool we give her an 85 degree dew point.
National Weather Service (@NWS & their millions of other accounts)
This account has gotten REALLY bad recently. They're trying their best to relay weather information by connecting with their audience but the results are SAD! Like really, that candy corn tweet? We suggest dialing back the clever tweeting and sticking to nonsensical polygons. We're abstaining from rating the National Weather Service due to concerns they'll morph their rating into a bunch of different colors and wording that none of us understand.
Kelton Halbert (@tempestchasing) & Austin Dixon (@AustinDixonWx)
Kelton makes fancy schmancy tornado animations and Austin makes memes (what is your life?). Following only one of them might be tolerable but both? That's overload. So choose one. On a scale from basic to dank memes, we give them an "overused SpongeBob mocking". Definitely don't follow both of these accounts.
Dennis Mersereau (@wxdam)
This guy is a government shill. We're convinced he's been paid by the deep state to cover up the U.S. government brainwashing chemtrail operation. When he's not ranting about chemtrails, he covers the weather in a (as he describes) engaging fashion without the hype. His "claim" to fame (if you can call it that) is his book, "The Extreme Weather Survival Manual". Dennis, stick to politics. We would rate Dennis but are afraid he'll have us black-bagged in the middle of the night.
Stephanie Abrams (@StephanieAbrams), Jim Cantore (@JimCantore), & The Weather Channel (@weatherchannel)
We've been watching The Weather Channel since the '90s and boy have things gone downhill. New shows like WX Geeks (@WXGeeksTWC) and WUTV (@wunderground) have an awkward, nerdy feel to them. They try their best connecting to everyone's inner weather nerd but fall flat. Oh, did I mention their snowstorm and hurricane coverage? Just because you have a dozen meteorologists standing in waist deep water and blinding snow doesn't mean we're instantly glued to the television like 12-year-olds. On a scale from freezing fog to thundersnow, we give them a heavy drizzle.
Bill Line (@bill_line) & Tim Schmit (@GOESguy)
Again, it's no secret that I loathe GOES-16 imagery. These two have all the GOES-16 imagery you would want (if there's anyone that's actually into that) and more. These folks get a GOES-G as well.
Storm Chaser Nick (@stormchasernick)
More like @photoshoppernick. Do you even chase storms? Nick (if that's his real name) rides on the coattails of high profile users by replying to tweets containing images with altered, supposedly humorous, versions of the original. Get a life, Nick. On a scale from Microsoft Paint to Photoshop, we give you an Etch-A-Sketch.
Brian Brettschneider (@climatologist49)
Yet another moose apologist. Brian supposedly lives in Alaska but we think it's just part of his gimmick. Brian loves his weather and climate maps, mixing up interesting with (his version of) humor. He also has this weird thing about climatological winter. We're not sure what the deal is there but we bet he'd love to correct you about it. -5.75 moose for Brian.
Philippe Papin (@pppapin)
Marshall Shepherd (@DrShepherd2013)
Karen Kosiba (@karen_kosiba)
Anthony Sagliani (@anthonywx)
Brendan Moses (@Cyclonebiskit)
Taylor Trogon (@TTrogdon)
Daniel Swain (@Weather_West)
Stu Ostro (@StuOstro)
Brian Kahn (@blkahn)
Samantha Berkseth (@WxSketch)
Brad Panovich (@wxbrad)
Bernadette Woods (@BernadetteWoods)
Jeff Frame (@VORTEXJeff)
John Morales (@JohnMoralesNBC6)
Eric Blake (@EricBlake12)
MDA Weather (@MDA_Weather)
Andrew Freedman (@afreedma)
Noah Brauer (@NOAABrauer)
Matt Mahalik (@MahalikWx)
Alicia Bentley (@AliciaMBentley)
Brandon M. (@WxBDM)
Phillip Klotzbach (@philklotzbach)
Harrison Sincavage (@HRRRison)
Alli Keclik (@AlliKeclik)
Jacob DeFlitch (@WxDeFlitch)
Climate Central (@ClimateCentral)
Cranky Weather Guy (@crankywxguy)
Steven Fundaro (@_WeatherStove)
Jack Sillin (@JackSillin)
Jessica Lebel (@JessicaLebelWX)
Paxton Biggs (@PaxPhotography)
There is one account you should follow and that's @weatherdak. He's super original and definitely doesn't only tweet GOES-16 imagery.
The truth is there are so many weather accounts that are terrible. So, we missed a bunch.
T H I S I S S A T I R E